The Next Chapter in my life

This past May was my 15th wedding anniversary. It wan’t a good one, my and I were living apart. I still had Love in my heart for her, but I quickly found out that she had none in her for me. I sent a small gift saying I will willing to give our marriage a chance. I got a text back saying that she knew enough to know that she was not in love with me.

This August I got an email saying that she had decided that she wanted a divorce. I was surprised since in May I thought she had made it clear. But according to her she had not made this decision until August.

Love is no longer in my heart for her. She had made absolutely no effort in trying to get back together. 5 years ago when she pulled this same crap, she said she would never leave me, she now knew that I was just trying to love her unconditionally. I knew at that time that she might think in her head that a promise to never leave again, was an unrealistic promise. I was right, it was in her nature to leave once again.

She has gone back to a religion that for 13 years said was so contradictive. Very rarely could I get her to wear a dress during our marriage, I thought she looked beautiful in them. Now with “the truth” she is wearing them all the time. There are many other things that she does now that she would not do previously. It is like she is trying to do everything the opposite, to be as far from her previous life with me. She posts quotes on facebook all the time. But the sad reality is that the quotes she is posting is as far from how she acts in real life. Over the past 19 months I’ve come to see the real Sheryl I guess. A woman who acts one way to the public and another way towards me and her children.

A good marriage counselor/author came out with a paper this last summer that stated how they could tell when a marriage would break up. A marriage where the couple “agree to disagree” ends in divorce when the kids get older. It is classic avoidance. Sheryl had a hard time talking through conflict. She always wanted to talk about it the next day, after she cooled down. But the next day never came. She wouldn’t want to talk about it again.

Hayden sees these things first hand in her home. I remember one time him telling me that he didn’t want to go to “gospel meeting” it is boring he told her. She responded back by saying “I know it is, but we have to go.” By forcing him to do things, that even she use to be against, it just pushes him further from god.

Life moves on, I know now that I tried to be in our marriage but I see more now that Sheryl was not. She always had to go to bed by 7:30-8pm, after she moved out, she is typically on facebook after 10pm or later. Months before she moved out, she moved into another bedroom. She said it was because my Cpap machine made too much noise. Later my son told her that it wasn’t loud. She said she had to say something to get away from me. Nice wife huh?

Well on October 30, it will be mostly done. That is our court hearing for getting a divorce. At that point she will become my Ex-wife and my son’s biological mother. He says she gave birth to me, but she is not my mom. She has hurt him in more ways than just hurting me and movinag out. When she abandoned him, that hurt him a lot. She basically gave up on him for 6 months. 6 Months where I learned how to better talk to him. Have him open up his feelings and talk.

If Sheryl is happier without me, than divorce is a good thing. I’ve never wanted her to be unhappy, one fault of mine was always wanting the kids and her to be happy. If they were not happy I was not happy. I hope the best for her as she moves on. I know I’m at peace knowing that I did what I could, and knowing I’ll always be there for my kids.