Love Hurts

It has been almost 4 months since my wife moved out for a 2nd time in the past 4 years, we just celebrated our 14th anniversary. Her telling me she was moving out, came after I thought it was odd that she moved $800+ from our saving account. I had told her a few months before to take money out to help pay for new tires, dog fixing, etc. She told me that that money was for vacations. It was just odd that she texted me that she did it months later. So later that week I asked if something was up. She said that she “was done”, “through”, etc. Then she said she didn’t want to be in a relationship where there was no respect for each other, I had no respect for myself since I was overweight. I didn’t clean enough around the house, etc. After our talk it was clear that she had already told the kids that they were moving out.

Most of it stems from her feeling that I’ve lied to her. It all seemed to start one day when she was vacuuming. Our dog, Pepper, was barking and she said I made a fist and hit Pepper. I was on the other side of the dinning room table, the table has a cabinet underneath it. So I’m not sure how she could have seen anything. I told her that I never made a fist; yes I hit Pepper with an open hand on her snout and told her no, but I NEVER made a fist and punched her. I know what I did and She knows what she saw? So that started our impasse, how can both of us be right?

Later my lying came up again. Sheryl and the kids were going to her sisters house in Wisconsin, leaving before I came home from work. Well everything was working out at work and so I left early to goodbye to everyone, to give them hugs and kisses before leaving. Most of my coworkers that I work with in my group knew my plans, and plans for the weekend. As I got closer to home I texted Sheryl of my plans to see them off. She was already at the bus stop to pick up Hayden and head out, so I met the there. It turned into how I lie to her, She asked says to me “why don’t you tell me the real reason you are here”. I told her, to see them of, tell them I love them. I was told I was lying. That our son had told her I was going to St. Cloud to get a speaker from the Best Buy store. I told her I had no plans of going there that night. That I was going to do that in the morning. I didn’t want to rush up there and drive back in the dark. Well I was lying, as she told me. I told her to ask anyone at work my plans if she didn’t believe me. She tells me that they would all just lie to her, because they are my friends. No matter what I said, she wasn’t going to change her mind. I honestly was there to tell them I love them, give them a hug and kiss, and see them off.

I know I’m not the best guy, not the smartest, etc, but I’m also not the worst guy, or the dumbest. Yet I never seem to be able to make my wife happy. I don’t ask for much, I just want a spouse that loves me for me, with all my faults and good things. I know I don’t see the dirt as soon as she does. But I’ve never stopped trying to love her. I might have been tired, but when she asked me to rub her feet, her back, or neck, I did it. When I asked her to rub mine, I was usually told NO with some excuse. It disappointed me but I accepted it. Usually the excuse was that she couldn’t press as hard. I just wanted her to touch me, having the woman I love just touch my since. To feel closer to her, I never expected her to massage out the kinks etc. I just want a wife that wants to be close to me also.

I stood by her during her breast cancer. I tried to get her to talk to me during the experience. She kept so much of her emotion bottled up inside. I know that the cancer battle sucked and I wanted her to know I was there for her. I went to surgeries, reconstruction appointments, Chemo appointments, doctor visits, etc. After she said she was moving out, I was told that I didn’t support her. That if I supported her I would have made more meals, cleaned the house, etc. I thought I was doing great being by her side, holding her hand, cleaning her surgical drains, taking care of the kids, etc. I guess we all show our support in different ways.

I love my wife, I love seeing her smile – it makes my heart melt, I love holding her, I love experiencing life with her, I love going shopping with her, I love cleaning the house/garage/car with her – I like to clean together as a team, I love touching her, I love her for her.

I know I’ve gained weight over the years, I need to get thinner, I also need support. I was not asking her to lose the weight for me, but when I reach out and ask her to help me make meals for at work. I’m asking for assistance to do it. I was crying out for help to guide me on the path, plus we would be doing it together.

She also has gained weight, even more since she moved out. Her hair is growing back from the chemo treatments and it is looked great. I love seeing the wave in her hair again, only if I could get that smile back with it.

I’ve been going to therapy about 4 times a month since before she moved out. I’ve had ups and downs. I’ve expressed at times how, I would love to kill myself. To stop the pain I’m going through, the pain that I’m sure this is putting our kids through, the pain of all this. It hurts to Love but not to be loved back. But like I’ve told him, it has to be a good thing that I can recognize this. That I would NEVER kill myself, because I can only imagine the pain it would put my kids, family, and friends through. Suicide is not an answer.

I’m not sure what is in store for us. I can only hope that my love for her will prevail. That she will see that I love her unconditionally and that she will want to return that love.